Snakes, Kids and Trolling
by YellowTangerines
Summary: Ene happens to read the world news one day, and discovers the Heat Haze is international. Soon afterwards, certain Dan members attempt to script their way through the language barrier on Pesterchum. Homestuck crossover AU with Kagerou Project, no Sburb, no trolls. /Story 3 of Mekakustuck/
1. Sighting

**Snakes, Kids and Trolling**

"Hey, hey, everyone! Look what I found!"

There could be no mistaking Ene's voice, especially not as it bounded full-blast out of every possible speaker in the base. Clatters and curses sprang through the apartment in response, but soon enough the living room filled with disrupted, frowning teenagers. Some of them even brought their best glares - how thoughtful!

"You won't believe this. Somewhere in the USA, there's a kid just like us! And Master tells me not to mess with his phone while he's away. Come, come, lemme show you!" snickered the cyber girl. She hovered a bit to the side, letting two browser windows take her place. The Dan only furrowed its eyebrows, much to Ene's disappointment – which was quickly washed away by another epiphany.

"Right, right! You guys don't know English or have cybernetic control over Google Translate. Well, Google Translate is trash anyways! A human translator would be much better, right, _Master_?"

"H-hey, why are you asking me about this?! I know nothing about English!"

"But Master, you're a genius! Didn't you get the best marks in English class back in school? Now hurry up and translate for us. You know what I could be doing to you otherwise." Ene smirked.

A sweat drop formed on Shintaro's cheek. "Y-yeah…I'll translate these articles for you. B-but don't blame me if I do a bad job, Ene!" With a small "that won't be necessary" from Ene, Shintaro swiped the phone into his hand and let the Dan flock around it like birds as he read.

The Kisaragi was able to make out the headline of the first article: something about a father and a son getting killed 'last night', which was more like a year ago on August 15. Meanwhile, details like a movie and a lack of bodies made it to coherence while everything else fell into the void. On the second article that Ene had crammed into view, the same kid ("John") was found alive and discharged from a nearby hospital in a matter of days, injury-free. His very worried internet friends kept messaging his username of 'ghostyTrickster', weird-looking English here, they couldn't find his father and so "John" was staying with his…nanna? What kind of relative was that?

"And that's not all! There's another kid too with this kind of event. He's friends with this 'John'. Master, translate these articles too!" Shintaro let out a groan at that, but complied nonetheless. But these articles were even more confusing than the last! He could find, however that this other kid – 'Dave', Shintaro thought – and his older brother had engaged the murderer from the last August 15. The two were able to incapacitate said murderer, but couldn't be found. They were presumed dead until the kid was found alive. The older brother was still gone. Then, the article mentioned'Dave' being friends with 'John' and becoming schoolmates or something. Like they weren't before?

Shintaro felt a dry mouth at the end of all four articles.

"Mm. Good job Ene for finding these news pieces and good job Shintaro for translating them to us," remarked Kido. "What do you propose we do? Ene, you have the first say since you brought this to our attention."

"I propose we contact this John and his friends using the chat client they use! We should all sign up and start telling them things. I'll start!" Various members recoiled at the sound of this, though Kano seemed to have stood up straighter.

"I see. We can't recruit them if they're in the USA, so that may just have to do. Anyone else have ideas?" Silence. "No? Then who would like to do what Ene suggested? Remember that you will have to learn some English, so opt out now if you don't want to."

If Kano had raised his hand any higher, he would have pulled a muscle. Seto and Marry put their hands up too, though with less vigor.

"Good. Shintaro, you'll be helping with this. You do know the most English after all, so I hope it's not any trouble to you."

"N-no…It's not a problem at all," answered Shintaro. He shivered at the thought of what Ene would say, if not do if he didn't jump on this bandwagon.

And so even if there were no such thing as trolls in the universe, there were still humans who could do much the same.


	2. Pesterchum Basics, part 1

-midnightDeceiver [MD] began pestering ghostyTrickster [EB]-

MD: I'm on Pesterchum now. that was a little hard!

GT: hi!  
GT: who is this?

"What should I say next, Shintaro-kun?"

"Just tell him your name or something…"

GT: hello?

MD: I'm Kano!

GT: hi kano, i am john! nice to meet you!  
GT: hello?  
GT: kano?  
GT: you take a while to answer.

"You should follow the script, Kano!"

"Well I did, I did, so no need to get mad about it, right?"

MD: nice to meet you too!  
MD: hey, did you see strange things about yourself?

GT: talk about a weird question!

"Shintaro, what does the next thing on the script say?"  
"Ask about the red eyes!"  
"'Akai'? What colour is 'akai' again?"  
"Why did we have to write the script in Japanese?"  
"I thought it'd be more comprehensive!"  
"How could it be more comprehensive when we're trying to use English?! You're keeping him waiting, just say something already! Geez, and we spent so long on this…"

MD: did you see yourself with red eyes?

GT: that is still a weird question!  
GT: but i have gotten things in my eye before.

MD: no, noooo~ that isn't right!  
MD: another kind of red~

GT: what do you mean, another kind of red.

"H-hey Kano, I think 'have you' is correct and not 'did you'."  
"Ah, really? Well, thanks for the pointer Shintaro-kun."

MD: how to explain it?  
MD: a red eye colour.

GT: why do you want to know?

MD: I'm only curious, that's aaall~

"U-um, Kano? Could I talk to John as well?"  
"Ah, already? But I – "  
"Oi, Kano. It's Marry's turn."  
"Fine, fine."

MD: oh, I can't talk longer. I'll come back later.  
MD: bye, John~~

GT: bye kano?

-redDeceiver [RD] has ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT]-

Marry tripped on her way to the computer. She couldn't be blamed for that; the entire room was a white wonderland of script papers.


	3. Pesterchum Basics, part 2

-cyberneticDancer [CD] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]-

TG: hey  
TG: who is this

CD: Hi, my names Ene.  
CD: Im a cyber girl!

TG: so youre like  
TG: a digital waifu

CD: You could say so.

TG: and youve come to be my bride of 0s and 1s  
TG: come let us elope on a honeymoon where the shitty jpeg artifact moon shines bright  
TG: and the water textures are only half loaded so were floating on an ornate italian gondola built by only the oldest and most masterful craftsmen  
TG: on a glitchy body of fuck while you and i share a handwoven wicker basket of pixellated blueberry muffins dispensed by a freshman college student's shitty first java program  
TG: while you caress me in your gentle digital embrace

"Master, what does this big long wall of text mean?"  
"I'm…actually not sure. It sounds intimate! Woah, what is this guy implying?"  
"I looked all the words up, and geez, what's wrong with this kid?"  
"I could say the exact same thing, you know."

CD: Slow down, ok?  
CD: Were off topic!  
CD: I wanted to talk about August 15.

TG: what about it

CD: Not much! Just if any stange things happened.  
CD: Did anything happen?

TG: are you fucking kiddign me  
TG: kidding  
TG: what kind of question is that

CD: It's a good question!  
CD: But Dave, you don't need to answer now.

TG: how the fuck do you know my name

CD: You were on the news. Google it.  
CD: Well, see you!

-cyberneticDancer [CD] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]—

"Hey Ene, why'd you deviate from the script?!"

"Ah, you're no fun Master! You know it isn't right to pass up an opportunity to be mysterious."

"Mysterious?! Y-you know, we could badly mess up our English, and you're worried about being mysterious?!"

"But just thinking about that is no fun! If I can ignore it, so can you, Master!"

* * *

Something awkward sat in the air where John and Dave had finished talking to redDeceiver and cyberneticDancer. It was probably the choppy English or the terrifying idea that someone knew something about their normal summer days, but...

Maybe it wasn't so bad, to think that there was some logic behind the flashbacks or the flashstepping. Who knew? Maybe weird people knowing weird things and getting ahold of their chumhandles was a universal constant.

 **End**

* * *

 _AN: Hello, everybody! Here's the 3rd fic in the Mekakustuck series. Hoping you enjoyed it!  
The hardest part was writing the Pesterlog lines for Kano and Ene. I wanted to make their level of English usage realistic, yet not so over-the-top that it was unbelievable or worst, racist._ _I hope I managed to do that, and if not, please tell me any lines in question and what made them off. This applies for any and all fics, part of Mekakustuck or otherwise.  
Anyways, thank you for reading _Snakes, Kids and Trolling _! Comments and criticism will be much appreciated, as always. ~YellowTangerines_


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